Scott LaPlant

Starting preschool can be a big transition for kids. Thankfully, there are plenty of books and magazine articles focused on getting children ready for preschool and making the transition a good one. Where, though, is the guidance for preschool parents? After all, we’re starting something new, too, and it can be a big change: new morning routines, drop-offs, pick-ups, permission forms (and tons of other forms) to keep organized, a plethora of new artwork to figure out what to do with, field trips, class parties, volunteering and teacher conferences. If you’re new to the experience, it sure can help to make a few new friends along the way who have the same questions or concerns. Here are five tips for meeting other preschool parents:

1) Be a joiner

It is not always easy to join groups, participate in activities, and just generally be social if you’re more introverted. Knowing it can be beneficial to meet other parents, many preschool planning committees make it easier by arranging class ‘meet and greets’ or school picnics. Go to these if your schedule allows because they are low pressure opportunities not only to get to know other parents but also to meet your child’s classmates, which is a good opportunity to put faces to the names you’ll be hearing from your child throughout the school year.

2) Volunteer

Not everyone has the flexibility in their schedule to volunteer but, if you do, volunteering can be a great way to meet other parents as well as get to know the teachers and staff better. Most preschools have a parent steering committee that plans fundraising events, family fun nights and educational opportunities. Offering to assist with these kinds of committees is a good way to get directly involved with your child’s preschool experience. Other volunteer opportunities include organizing class parties, which are often run by parents, and these can be great if you prefer working in smaller groups. Class field trips provide another opportunity to volunteer, and because they’re often planned weeks or months in advance, it makes it easier to adjust your schedule and plan ahead. Regardless of the time you have to give, whether it’s an hour or 20 hours, volunteering can be a rewarding way to meet other parents.

3) Go to a birthday party

Don’t be surprised if you start getting invites to lots of birthday parties for your child’s classmates. Many parents choose to have parties at fun places that will accommodate lots of kids so they include everyone. While you may not know anyone, your child will and the chances are good that she will have a blast with her little classmates.

When I went to my first birthday party, I knew maybe one other mom and it was a little awkward. I soon got over it when I realized how much fun the kids were having – and that several other parents had chosen to come, too, even though they didn’t know anyone. We all talked about our kids and school and, now, we’ll have some familiar faces to look for at the next birthday party. These events can be excellent ways to meet other parents, if you can just get past that initial “I don’t know anyone!” panic when you walk in the door.

4) Plan a playdate

It can be very beneficial for kids to play with each other outside of the classroom. In fact, if your child is particularly shy at school, try setting up a playdate with one or two of the classmates that your child talks about most. Another mom and I planned a playdate – just meeting outside to play and have lunch. Her daughter was having a little bit of a hard time adjusting to school because she was shy and didn’t know any of the other kids. Our children had so much fun and after the next school day, even the teachers commented on the change in the classroom. The shy classmate seemed happier in class, more involved and, according to her mom, she even looked forward to coming to school now that she had a special friend that she knew better. It doesn’t take much effort to send an email or make a flyer about meeting up at a local indoor playplace or the park. You may find that other parents are very receptive to the idea and that they appreciate the opportunity to get together in a relaxed setting outside of school. An added benefit: parents can bring siblings of all ages so it can be a family event and your other kids may just meet some playmates, too.

5) Smile and say hello

Okay, so you’re just not a really social person and you don’t have time to volunteer – what can you do? Simply try to be more present in the moment at drop-off and pick-up. Try to smile and give a friendly hello. It can be hectic and you can easily stay focused on yourself and your own kids, but if you take a moment to look around, you’re likely to see other parents who are willing or eager to chat. Even just a quick conversation with another parent can help ease the transition from a sea of unfamiliar faces into an ocean of possibilities.

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Mandy Fields Yokim is a freelance writer who lives with her husband and two children.

Preschool for Parents: Tips for Making New Friends from San Diego Family Magazine

Your Thanksgiving Headquarters

 

Calendar

We love this time of year — and when you see all the fun holiday activities offered this month and next, you’ll understand why. In addition to fabulous family festivities, you’ll also find Thanksgiving Break & Winter Camps for the kids and a Parent’s Night Out to give you some shopping time — alone! Check out Holiday Happenings for November.

Recipes

Cooking with your children is not only an excellent way to spend time together, it’s also a great confidence booster! There’s no better time than Thanksgiving to give some new recipes a try. Start building yummy memories today: Kids in the Kitchen.

Crafts

Handmade crafts are the perfect way for kids to show gratitude for loved ones, as well as make a meaningful contribution to the Thanksgiving table. Pull out your art box and get crafting!

Articles

Say “Thank you” all month long with these 30 Ways to Give Thanks!

Thanksgiving Headquarters! from San Diego Family Magazine

A group of 15 moms and dads gather for their weekly parenting class, when one mother shares a moment from the previous week. “My daughter had a fit the other day when I told her it was time to get in the car.”

Every head in the room nods in recognition and understanding. Another dad commiserates, “My son once threw Legos at the TV because I said he couldn’t watch TV!”

These types of exchanges are shared by the most well-meaning parents; despite even the most positive parenting efforts, kids get mad! Their immature brains do not have the capability to remain calm while working through challenging feelings.

Dr. Jane Nelsen, author of the Positive Discipline series, educates parents on non-punitive discipline strategies, many of which are centered on the use of touch. Physical affection is as equally important to older children as it is to infants, and it has an effect on brain chemistry that is conducive to positive behavior. As Dr. Nelsen says, “Children do better when they feel better.”

Be Proactive
Parents don’t need to wait for children to come to them for touches, hugs, whole-body-scoops and kisses. Being regularly physically affectionate with kids of all ages actually helps maintain the emotional connection they share with their parents. When that bond remains strong, challenging behavioral situations decrease and discipline becomes less intense overall.

Cuddle
As children grow and become more independent and social, opportunities for cuddling naturally diminish, and it becomes important for parents to take extra effort to find ways to physically connect with them. Reading to a child or even watching a movie on the couch is a wonderful way to get close, as it invites leaning into, lying on, snuggling, touching, and arm-wrapping.

Play
Person-to-person contact games naturally inhibit children’s impulsiveness; kids are able to sit still longer and have an increase in focused attention. Games such as horsey rides, piggy back rides, wrestling, tag, or even Red Rover involve person-to-person contact, and they all promote the release of positive brain chemicals and bring families closer together in a fun, physical way.

Touch Base
“Touching base” begins quite naturally when children are very young. They will instinctively take time to explore the world away from mom and dad, and then continually come back to the safety of a parent’s arms to physically reconnect. It is important to note that older children need this as well—time on their own to play and be independent, then a physical reconnection with mom or dad. It could mean lying on a lap, having their hair stroked, getting a foot rub or shoulder massage or just snuggling while reading together.

Using Touch as a Reactive Strategy
As helpful as positive discipline is as a proactive measure, it is quite often needed as a reactive approach to discipline as well. Touching calms and reinforces the emotional bond between parents and children. When children touch a calm parent in a loving way, the chemical balance within their brains begins to be reinstated.

Hug
Giving a child a hug when they’re having an all-out screaming fit may not be the first thing that comes to a parent’s mind. Probably, more likely is the temptation to scream right along with them! But a warm, secure hug given during a moment of emotional chaos works to restore the chemical balance in a child’s brain. Physical contact from an adult’s mature body helps calm the immature one.

Connected Conversations
Going one step beyond verbal connection is adding the element of touch. Parents can make their words even more effective when they add an element of touch such as taking a child’s hands in theirs or placing a gentle hand on a child’s shoulder. It nonverbally tells that child, “I’m here for you.”

Quiet the Senses
Some children may become over-stimulated by being touched too much or too irritatingly. For these children, it helps to have a quiet place to go to play or work without the risk of uninvited touching from siblings or exuberant pets.

Deep Pressure
For some kids, deep pressure is a welcome sensation and helps to relax an overly excited mind. Ball pits, deep tissue massages, oversized bean bag chairs, or weighted blankets or vests may help children receive the sensory input they crave, and help their minds and bodies communicate more effectively.

So if a child hurls Legos at the TV or throws a fit when it’s time to get in the car, it’s nothing personal! It’s all about brain chemistry and emotional connection, and sometimes the very best thing a parent can do is offer a soothing, calming, connecting touch.

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Kelly Bartlett is a Certified Positive Discipline Educator and mother of two.

The Power of Touch from San Diego Family Magazine

My husband and I adopted our daughter a little over a year ago. She came to us at age 9. She was abused, neglected, homeless and abandoned during her first four years with her biological family. Then she bounced around foster care for the next five years. She had a dozen sets of “Mom and Dad” before us. We reassure her all the time that we are her Last Mom and Last Dad.

We were chosen to be her parents in November, but didn’t get to bring her home until May. It was an adoptive placement through the foster care system, but we were in different states. We weren’t allowed any contact with her during those six months. She was actually in a group home during that time. She was moved there just a couple weeks after we were matched because her foster family was no longer willing to work with her aggression and tantrums. She was clearly a child in pain. We knew it and agreed to be her parents anyway. We felt strongly that her behavior was situational and that she needed the right environment and help to sort it out. We thought we could give it to her.

Being approved to be the parents of a child that is so obviously hurting and in need of your support, but having to endure six months of paperwork is torture. Our home and hearts were ready for her, but she was placed in a group home and didn’t even know we existed.

Once ICPC (Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children) cleared, we were finally allowed to send her a photo book and she was told that she was going to be adopted. We flew to Texas two weeks later. We met her on a Monday and visited with her for a couple hours after school each day that week. On Friday she was ours forever. Within a few short weeks, she had learned she was going to be adopted and moved to another state with people she had met just days before.

No amount of research, adoption classes or book reading can prepare you for life with a traumatized child. They call older child adoption “special needs” adoption for a reason. Her special needs are real and they are vast. Fear, anxiety, anger, grief, shame and confusion are swirling around inside her all the time. It is not uncommon for her behavior to reflect all the pain she has inside. We get it. We understand. That doesn’t mean it isn’t hard or that we don’t get overwhelmed, exhausted or lose our cool sometimes.

One of the hardest parts is the isolation. It is very difficult for people to understand all that we’re going through. A loving home is not enough. Children who have been through trauma don’t just need “time to settle in.” Traditional discipline structure or parenting styles are usually ineffective with traumatized children. People become uncomfortable with the truth about how things are really going at home, so many parents stop sharing. Traumatized children often act very differently when they are around others than they do at home. Parents of recently adopted children often may start to get the feeling that people think they are the source of the problem.

Parents of kids with trauma and attachment issues need to be seen as the authority figures all the time. An attaching child needs to learn to depend on their parents to meet their needs, comfort them, keep them safe and give them affection. We have had to cut people out of our lives who refused to accept and respect our roles as parents of a hurt child.

It can even be difficult to find professionals who “get it.” Teachers, pediatricians and mental health providers might not take the parents concerns seriously because the child doesn’t show them the pain. They save that just for their parents. Our daughter is on the honor roll at school and has won awards for her positive behavior choices. The school wants to drop the IEP for emotional disability that we carried over from her last school in Texas. The month before they brought this up, we had to call 911 because she was having such an epic meltdown due to big feelings brought on by Mother’s Day that we weren’t sure of our ability to keep her safe. All three of us wound up with bruises, scrapes and scratches. All inflicted by her. She caved in the roof of my car. She may not show it at school right now, but her emotional needs are high.

We have had no luck in finding a therapist in our area that understands trauma and attachment. We tried three different mental health clinics. Bad therapy is worse than no therapy. Therapists in the past have not been helpful. In fact, we have to do a lot of work to keep some of them from being harmful.

We work hard on our own at helping our daughter process her past and her feelings. Therapeutic parenting has been very effective and she has made great progress. Unfortunately, getting medication for her anxiety prescribed without weekly therapy sessions is tricky. Her pediatrician won’t prescribe anxiety medication and other resources are extremely scarce. This is a common scenario for families who do not live in or near large cities.

The challenges are often glossed over when agencies are recruiting parents for children in foster care. I think it is important that people understand this journey is difficult, will change your life in every way and that you will likely have to face it on your own. Older child adoption is doable. It’s worth it. Progress, hope and healing are attainable. Our daughter shows us this every day. We have not regretted becoming her parents for a moment.

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Rachael Moshman has a Bachelor’s in psychology and a Master’s in education with focuses in early childhood, infant/toddler development and special needs. She has been a resource, trainer and mentor for area childcare workers and preschool teachers, as well as for families of young children for many years. Her greatest accomplishment is becoming the last mom to an amazing little girl through foster care adoption.

What I Want You to Know About Older Child Adoption from San Diego Family Magazine